Top nine things that destroy self esteem of your child, Parents need to know .

Contributed by

Dr.Arif Maghribi Khan. M.D.

Consultant Psychiatrist Health services ,Kashmir 

Email: arifmaghribi@yahoo.com

As the examinations of 10th, 11th, 12th grade have started amid Corona and uncertainty created by the pandemic. Students are in great stress and so are their parents

First parents, teachers need to relax, then only students can relax.

Relaxation is very important as worry will complicate all ,be it academic examinations or challenges of life. 

Some students will be afraid to sit in the examination but remember that by sitting at home and not going for exams, you have zero percent chance of passing, but by going to appear in the exam you earn 50 percent of passing.

And we all know 50 per cent is better than 0 per cent any day.

Students can do something new like, start reading your subjects with a small prayer asking God for help and focus .Make a regular schedule  focus and focus  during studies , then go to bed. Have adequate sleep. 

Requests to parents:

It’s natural for you to get concerned but when you attach any conditions to your child, you are overburdening him. Appearing in any examination or interview is like climbing a mountain. So what do you do ,when your child is going hiking?

Do you overburden him with luggage and baggage? No you don’t! You ask your child to go with the most essential stuff needed, you don’t ask him to climb a mountain with 3 kilos of cooked rice, 2 kilos of meat, 5 litres of juice bottles, Right? 

But when he appears for any examination you overburden with all expectations or demands! Can hikers climb with even 25 kilos of unnecessary burden?

The answer is a big NO.

Similarly don’t overburden your children with the burden of expectations, desires, and commands. The more assured a child feels, the better he can perform in life or examinations, the less stressful he remains and the more chances of getting to the top. Now parents do ask” So you mean to say, we should not discipline our children with dire consequences or anger, as without anger we will fail?

” I always ask them have you tried to discipline your children with love and undeniable facts.”

The answer is inevitably NO we never tried,

and then I tell them it’s like saying honesty does not work in Kashmir, without even trying to walk through the path of honesty.

Our teachers, parents are more qualified than those of 40 years back, but still we are not getting better results. WHY?

In the past parents and teachers used to reach the level of children and nowadays in the modern era, parents want a child of 12 to come to the level of a PhD teacher or parent and understand all. 

In the end I have some points for children too!

Request to students:

Remember you get your mother or father only once in life, they were there standing with you not sleeping when you were ill.

When you demanded a particular taste of some ice-cream and they did not see the time and brought it for you, all they are saying is not to harass you but just make sure difficulties they faced you do not face.

Give them always a patient listening and motive behind their  advice!  Some students say they suffer from EXAM PHOBIA; well there are various ways out.

Just before exams begin, whether at school, college or university, do the following visualization exercise daily, even after examinations are finished.

“In the beginning you need to close your eyes.Close your eyes and visualize leaving your home for examination or job interview. Imagine you reached the place of examination or place of interview, you see many people there, some talking, and some silent. Then in some time you are given question paper and you slowly start answering it, slowly but steadily you answer all questions to your best of ability”

This exercise can be done alone or with parents or your best friend throughout the year also.

And students should remember this golden rule of spirituality and positivity which says “Do not think what will happen if I do not do well in exams or interview, rather think how happy I and my family will be if I do well in exams or interview”. Just like oxygen is a must, feeding your body continuously and not once in a while with such positive thoughts will open a new chapter of positivity in your life.

I conclude  with following nine golden rules.

9 Things that destroy a child’s self-esteem

1. Insulting: with bad words in times of anger, you could not qualify last year’s entrance test, you lazy boy!
2. Humiliating: with downgrading adjectives, I spent so much money on your extra Mathematics tuition and you just got 70 % in Mathematics.
3. Comparing: to a sibling, a relative or a friend. Look how your maternal uncles daughter and son, both got selected in topmost Medical and Engineering college and you got admission in this lower ranking professional training college
4. Conditional love: “if you tidy your room I will love you more!” If you get 95 % marks I will love you more, if it’s 90 %   or less than you are an average student.
5. Inaccuracies: “don’t cry… men  don’t  cry” (wrong!) now that you have not done well in the interview don’t cry, men don’t cry. Also don’t act like a silly girl! Or now you showing your girlish, stupid traits.
6. Threatening: “do this or else!” get a seat in that medical college or else I don’t know.
7. Refusing for no reason: “I said no…Why not? Because I said so!” You should become a doctor as I desire, I don’t care about your interest in English literature.
8. Beating: obviously a big no whether before or after results.
9. Shaming: “do you remember when you used to do this and that…shame on you!” When I asked   you to not participate in sports, you never listened, you deserve this!!

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